Sex Captions for Instagram Bios and Instagram Pictures

 

Ahem-ahem! Like the header image(above picture)? Yes? Then you will definitely love the following Sex Captions for Instagram Bios and pictures.

Yo can use our Sex Captions for those forever alone Instagram photos and for funny moments with your partner. Most of them will make you laugh out but still tread with caution. If you can not handle a little sarcasm and gender mockery then better read other articles on our website and leave this page. I don’t mean to offend anyone but if you feel offended then, “Go F**k Yourself”.

Read them all, even if you don’t use them, you will have a good laugh!

• My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, “your daughter” wasn’t the right answer.

• My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

• Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

• A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

• Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!

• Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? “Is it in?”

• What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

• Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

• I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

• 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘HANDSOME’, don’t take it as a compliment!

• What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”? About three inches.

• The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

• Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

• What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

• Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.

• What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.

• Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.

• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

• That awkward moment when you’re about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

• Why do men like masturbation? It’s sex with someone they love.

• Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don’t dream about a girl that everyone else has.

• Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

• Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

• Sex is like air; its not important unless you aren’t getting any.

• Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they’re happy.

• Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.

• Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

• Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

• The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.

• Men are like Bluetooth. When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.

• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.

• Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say “don’t” and if he touches your pussy say “stop”? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”.

• Life is sexually transmitted.

• FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

• I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

• Virginity is curable.

• 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

• Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

• Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

• Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

• What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

• My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

• Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.

• You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon

• Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

• What’s the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

• Hi, I’m bisexual. I’d like to BUY you a drink…and then get sexual.

• My mother + my father – condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!

• Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

• What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? “What the Fuck!” and “What a Fuck!”

• If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.

Friendly Tip: Do not post your intimate, private pictures on Instagram or other social media, not only are they banned on most websites, they may also cause you legal troubles.

I assume you have had a good time reading these hilarious sex captions for Instagram! Word of caution, use these captions at your own risk. I can not tell what trouble you may be heading yourself into if you use a not-so-appropriate caption with your Instagram pictures. Don’t blame me for your sexless nights, endless sorries and expenditure on gifts :P.

Do leave your feedback in the comments section below! Have better sex captions for Instagram, Facebook, etc.. share them below… let us have our chance to LOL.